Dieu gi lam chung ta vui khoe trong doi. Neu chung ta bay gio dau tu cho tuong lai, chung ta se bo thoi gian va suc luc vao dau? Gan day theo nhu mot nghien cuu ma doi tuong la nhung nguoi thuoc the he ‘Millennials’ – the he tre, ve muc tieu cua cuoc song, 80 phan tram tra loi rang muc dich chinh cua cuoc song la de lam giau, va 50% cho la su noi tieng.
And we’re constantly told to lean in to work, to push harder and achieve more. We’re given the impression that these are the things that we need to go after in order to have a good life. Pictures of entire lives, of the choices that people make and how those choices work out for them, those pictures are almost impossible to get. Most of what we know about human life we know from asking people to remember the past, and as we know, hindsight is anything but 20/20. We forget vast amounts of what happens to us in life, and sometimes memory is downright creative.
Va chung ta thuong duoc duoc day bao rang chung ta phai nen lam viec cham chi cat luc hon de duoc giau hon, noi tieng hon. Chung ta luon co mot cam nhan rang giau hon va noi tieng hon la cai ma chung ta can phai phan dau, no luc nhieu hon de duoc mot cuoc song vien man, hanh phuc. Hay muong tuong nhieu buoc ngoat trong cuoc doi, moi buoc ngoac la nhung su lua chon khac nhau. Nhieu dieu minh hoc duoc ve cuoc song con nguoi la tu su hoi tuong lai, nhung ky uc trai nghiem cua nhung nguoi da di truoc mac dau kha nang hoi tuong, nho lai cua con nguoi thuc su co gioi han.
But what if we could watch entire lives as they unfold through time? What if we could study people from the time that they were teenagers all the way into old age to see what really keeps people happy and healthy?
Neu cuoc doi con nguoi la mot cuon phim minh co the tua lai duoc thi sao? Neu chung ta co the nghien cuu, thau thap rat nhieu tu lieu cua nhieu nguoi tu luc tre den luc gia muc dich la de nhin thay ro nhung gi lam cho nhung nguoi nay co duoc suc khoe va hanh phuc?
We did that. The Harvard Study of Adult Development may be the longest study of adult life that’s ever been done. For 75 years, we’ve tracked the lives of 724 men, year after year, asking about their work, their home lives, their health, and of course asking all along the way without knowing how their life stories were going to turn out.
Do la dieu chung toi da lam. Cong trinh nghien cuu cua hoc vien Havard voi chu de “con nguoi va su phat trien” co le la mot cong trinh nghien cuu dai nhat trong lich su nhan loai. Trong 75 nam, chung toi da theo doi sat sao cuoc doi cua 724 nguoi. Tu nam nay qua nam khac, chung toi tim hieu tuong tan ve cong viec, sinh hoat gia dinh, suc khoe cua ho. Chung toi da cung sat canh voi nhung nguoi nay trong mot cuoc hanh trinh dai cungvoi ho. It co nguoi trong so chung toi biet duoc nhung trang sach ke tiep cua cuoc doi cua nhung nguoi nay se duoc mo ra the nao.
Studies like this are exceedingly rare. Almost all projects of this kind fall apart within a decade because too many people drop out of the study, or funding for the research dries up, or the researchers get distracted, or they die, and nobody moves the ball further down the field. But through a combination of luck and the persistence of several generations of researchers, this study has survived. About 60 of our original 724 men are still alive, still participating in the study, most of them in their 90s. And we are now beginning to study the more than 2,000 children of these men. And I’m the fourth director of the study.
Nhung cong trinh nghien cuu nhu the nay cuc ky hiem. Hau het nhung nghien cuu nhu the nay deu cham dut cung lam la trong vong mot thap ky khi nhieu doi tuong duoc nghien cuu bo cuoc hoac ngan quy cho cuoc nghien cuu duoc dung het, hoac cac nha nghien cuu bo cuoc, chet di va khong co nguoi moi ke thua. Nhung qua su tap hop cua mot so hien tuong co the goi la ‘may man’ va dac biet la su ben bi cua mot so the he chuyen gia trong nhom chung toi, cong trinh nghien cuu nay da ton tai vuot thoi gian. Hien tai, khoang 60 trong so 724 doi tuong van con song sot, va hien van con tham gia vao nghien cuu nay. Hau het nhung nguoi nay da ngoai 90 tuoi. Chung toi bay gio tiep tuc nghien cuu them hon 2000 nguoi nua, nhung nguoi nay la the he con chau cua nhom 724 nguoi kia. Toi la Giam Doc the he thu Tu cua nhom chuyen gia nghien cuu.
Since 1938, we’ve tracked the lives of two groups of men. The first group started in the study when they were sophomores at Harvard College. They all finished college during World War II, and then most went off to serve in the war. And the second group that we’ve followed was a group of boys from Boston’s poorest neighborhoods, boys who were chosen for the study specifically because they were from some of the most troubled and disadvantaged families in the Boston of the 1930s. Most lived in tenements, many without hot and cold running water.
Tu nam 1938, chung toi bat dau theo doi cuoc doi cua hai nhom doi tuong. Nhom dau tien ho la nhom nhung sinh vien nam thu Hai cua dai hoc Harvard. Ho deu tot nghiep dai hoc nay trong thoi ky The Chien II, va roi hau het nhom nay duoc gui di de phuc vu The Chien II. Nhom thu hai chung toi theo gioi la cac cau be song tai mot khu dan cu thuoc vung ngheo nhat Boston. Nhung cau be nay duoc lua chon de nghien cuu boi vi ho la thanh vien cua nhung gia dinh rat ngheo song o vung Boston vao nhung nam 30. Hau het nhung gia dinh nay song trong nhung can nha lup xup, nhieu nha con khong co nguon nuoc sach de dung.
When they entered the study, all of these teenagers were interviewed. They were given medical exams. We went to their homes and we interviewed their parents. And then these teenagers grew up into adults who entered all walks of life. They became factory workers and lawyers and bricklayers and doctors, one President of the United States. Some developed alcoholism. A few developed schizophrenia. Some climbed the social ladder from the bottom all the way to the very top, and some made that journey in the opposite direction.
Khi cuoc nghien cuu bat dau, cac thanh thieu nien nay deu duoc phong van trac nghiem. Ho duoc giam dinh suc khoe. Chung toi da toi tung nha de phong van phu huynh cua ho. Roi nhung thanh thieu nien nay lon len gia nhap moi neo duong doi. Nhieu nguoi tro thanh cong nhan, luat su, tho ne, bac sy. Mot nguoi tro thanh Tong Thong nuoc My. Mot so nghien ruou. Mot so bi benh tam than. Mot so da ‘leo thang’ tu tang lop thap nhat den tang lop cao nhat trong bac thang xa hoi, trong khi mot so thi hoan toan nguoc lai.
The founders of this study would never in their wildest dreams have imagined that I would be standing here today, 75 years later, telling you that the study still continues. Every two years, our patient and dedicated research staff calls up our men and asks them if we can send them yet one more set of questions about their lives.
Nguoi sang lap cong trinh nghien cuu nay chac da khong bao gio tuong tuong duoc rang hom nay toi dung o day, sau 75 nam, dang noi cho cac ban biet la chuong trinh nghien cuu ma ong ay da khoi su cach day 75 nam van con dang duoc tiep tuc. Cu moi hai nam, nhung nhan vien cua chung toi van miet mai gui den nhung doi tuong duoc nghien cuu nhung mau don de nhung nguoi nay tra loi nhung cau hoi lien quan den cuoc doi cua ho.
Many of the inner city Boston men ask us, “Why do you keep wanting to study me? My life just isn’t that interesting.” The Harvard men never ask that question.
Mot diem cung kha thu vi la nhung nguoi ngheo o Boston thuong chat van chung toi ” tai sao lai cu theo duoi truy van chung toi mai?” trong khi nhung nguoi giau o Harvard khong bao gio chat van chung toi dieu nay:-)
To get the clearest picture of these lives, we don’t just send them questionnaires. We interview them in their living rooms. We get their medical records from their doctors. We draw their blood, we scan their brains, we talk to their children. We videotape them talking with their wives about their deepest concerns. And when, about a decade ago, we finally asked the wives if they would join us as members of the study, many of the women said, “You know, it’s about time.”
De co duoc buc tranh ro net hon ve cuoc doi cua ho, chung toi khong chi dua don cho ho dien ma chung toi con den tan tung nha de phong van noi chuyen voi ho. Chung toi tham chieu tu nhung ho so giam dinh suc khoe. Chung toi giam dinh mau, chup hinh dien nao, noi chuyen voi con cai cua ho. Chung toi am tham quay nhung tu lieu khi ho noi chuyen voi vo con ho ve nhung van de ho lo lang quan tam nhat. Va roi, khoang mot thap nien gan day, chung toi da hoi vo cua nhung nguoi nay cung tham gia vao chuong trinh luon. Rat nhieu nguoi phu nu trong so nay da ung ho viec nghien cuu bao gom ca hai doi tuong nam va nu.
So what have we learned? What are the lessons that come from the tens of thousands of pages of information that we’ve generated on these lives? Well, the lessons aren’t about wealth or fame or working harder and harder. The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.
Vay chung toi da tim ra duoc nhung gi? Nhung bai hoc gi chung toi da hoc duoc tu hang chuc nghin trang tu lieu thau thap duoc tu nhieu the he, tu nhom nguoi dong dao nay? Ket qua chung toi tim duoc khong phai la tien tai hay danh vong, hay la su lam viec cham chi cat luc hon de duoc suc khoe va hanh phuc hon. Mot ket qua that ro rang chung toi da nhan duoc trong suot chuong trinh nghien cuu keo dai 75 nam nay la: Co duoc cac moi quan he gia dinh va xa hoi tot la dieu kien tien quyet de co duoc suc khoe tot va cuoc song hanh phuc!
We’ve learned three big lessons about relationships. The first is that social connections are really good for us, and that loneliness kills. It turns out that people who are more socially connected to family, to friends, to community, are happier, they’re physically healthier, and they live longer than people who are less well connected. And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic. People who are more isolated than they want to be from others find that they are less happy, their health declines earlier in midlife, their brain functioning declines sooner and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely. And the sad fact is that at any given time, more than one in five Americans will report that they’re lonely.
Chung toi hoc duoc ba bai hoc toi quan trong lien quan den cai goi la ‘cac moi qua he’. Dau tien la cac moi quan he xa hoi thuc su rat tot va lam thang hoa cuoc song cua chung ta. Su don doc, le loi la tử thần. Chung toi kham pha ra rang nhung nguoi co nhieu cac moi quan he den gia dinh, ban be, cong dong hon la nhung nguoi hanh phuc hon, suc khoe doi dao hon, song tho hon nhung nguoi don doc va it duoc ‘ket noi’. Mot dieu ro rang la hien tuong don doc, co don la vo cung doc hai. Nhung nguoi it duoc ‘ket noi’ , nhung nguoi co don la nhung nguoi thuong it khi duoc nhung giay phut hanh phuc. Suc khoe cua nhung nguoi nay thuong bi suy sup o tuoi trung nien. Dau oc, nao bo cua nhung nguoi ‘co don’ bi tuot doc mot cach ro ret keo theo tuoi tho bi rut ngan hon so voi nhung nguoi khong bi ‘co don’. Mot chi so kha buon la mot trong nam nguoi chung toi hoi o bat ky giai doan nao cung noi len rang ho la nguoi ‘co don’.
And we know that you can be lonely in a crowd and you can be lonely in a marriage, so the second big lesson that we learned is that it’s not just the number of friends you have, and it’s not whether or not you’re in a committed relationship, but it’s the quality of your close relationships that matters. It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health. High-conflict marriages, for example, without much affection, turn out to be very bad for our health, perhaps worse than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective.
Va chung toi nhan ra rang, ban co the bi ‘don doc’ ngay ca trong dam dong, va ban van coi nhu la ‘doc than’ trong mot cuoc hon nhan. Vi vay bai hoc lon thu hai chung toi hoc duoc la cho du ban co nhieu ban be, cho du ban dang o trong hon nhan va co gia dinh, chat luong cua cac moi quan he cua ban moi la toi quan trong. Song trong mot su xung dot nao do thuc su rat te hai cho suc khoe. Mot su xung dot khac nghiet nao do trong hon nhan khi hai nguoi khong co su dong cam voi nhau duoc nhin thay la rat co hai cho suc khoe, va co the cho la con te hai hon la su ly di hoac ly than. Nguoc lai song trong mot moi truong quan he tot dep thuc su bao ho chung ta ve moi mat.
Once we had followed our men all the way into their 80s, we wanted to look back at them at midlife and to see if we could predict who was going to grow into a happy, healthy octogenarian and who wasn’t. And when we gathered together everything we knew about them at age 50, it wasn’t their middle age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. And good, close relationships seem to buffer us from some of the slings and arrows of getting old. Our most happily partnered men and women reported, in their 80s, that on the days when they had more physical pain, their mood stayed just as happy. But the people who were in unhappy relationships, on the days when they reported more physical pain, it was magnified by more emotional pain.
Mot khi chung toi theo doi nhung doi tuong nghien cuu nay den nhung do tuoi cao nien – ngoai 80, chung toi nhin nguoc lai luc ho dang o do tuoi trung tuan va phong doan ai co kha nang song tho tram nam, ai khong co kha nang nay. Khi chung toi thau thap nhung thong tin, tu lieu nay khi ho tam 50 tuoi, nhung chi so ve suc khoe nhu mo mau, khong phai la nhung chi so dang tin cay de phan doan ho song tho song khoe o do tuoi ngoai 80. Nhung moi quan he tot lai la chi so tin cay dinh huong ve nhung ngay thang truong tho. Nhung nguoi thoa man voi nhung moi quan he gia dinh xa hoi cua ho la nhung nguoi khoe manh nhat o tuoi 80. Nhung cap vo chong thoa man ve moi quan he gia dinh cua ho ngay ca nhung luc ho bi om dau benh tat ma van cam thay vien man hanh phuc. Trong khi nhung cap khong thoa man voi nhau khi nhung luc om dau benh tat, ho lai bi suy sup them gap boi vi phai ganh them ganh nang qua lon la nhung noi dau tinh than.
And the third big lesson that we learned about relationships and our health is that good relationships don’t just protect our bodies, they protect our brains. It turns out that being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective, that the people who are in relationships where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need, those people’s memories stay sharper longer. And the people in relationships where they feel they really can’t count on the other one, those are the people who experience earlier memory decline. And those good relationships, they don’t have to be smooth all the time. Some of our octogenarian couples could bicker with each other day in and day out, but as long as they felt that they could really count on the other when the going got tough, those arguments didn’t take a toll on their memories.
Bai hoc lon thu ba chung toi hoc duoc la cac moi quan he tot khong nhung bao ho nuoi duong co the cua chung ta ma con bao ho nuoi duong nao bo cua chung ta. So lieu cho thay nhung cap vo chong hanh phuc den tuoi 80 co tri nho tot hon rat nhieu nhung cap vo chong khac. Nhung cap vo chong goi la co moi quan he tot khong phai ho khong bao gio co xich mich, dung cham, nhung nhung xich mich dung cham nay khong phai la nhung su xung dot co the lam gay hai den tri nho hay lam hu hai den nao bo vi nhung cap vo chong nay luon luon tin tuong va nuong tua vao nhau ngay ca khi ho co xich mich.
So this message, that good, close relationships are good for our health and well-being, this is wisdom that’s as old as the hills. Why is this so hard to get and so easy to ignore? Well, we’re human. What we’d really like is a quick fix, something we can get that’ll make our lives good and keep them that way. Relationships are messy and they’re complicated and the hard work of tending to family and friends, it’s not sexy or glamorous. It’s also lifelong. It never ends. The people in our 75-year study who were the happiest in retirement were the people who had actively worked to replace workmates with new playmates. Just like the millennials in that recent survey, many of our men when they were starting out as young adults really believed that fame and wealth and high achievement were what they needed to go after to have a good life. But over and over, over these 75 years, our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships, with family, with friends, with community.
Vay nhung thong diep nhu duoc noi o tren: Nhung moi quan he tot tu gia dinh va xa hoi se dan den suc khoe va hanh phuc – mot thong diep cu nhu trai dat, tai sao chung ta lai hay quen hay lam ngo. Ly do la con nguoi chung ta, ai cung muon co mot giai phap nhanh. Cac moi quan he xa hoi thong thuong doi hoi mot qua trinh phan dau lau dai, mot hanh trinh tuong nhu bat tan va khong de de cho minh thay duoc ket qua hien ra ngay truoc mat. Nhu nhom thanh thieu nien gan day chung toi khao cuu tra loi rang tien bac va danh vong la cau tra loi, thi nhieu nguoi trong suot qua trinh 75 nam nghien cuu , ban dau ho cung cho rang nhu vay, nhung sau do roi su that chung to rang nhung nguoi thuc su thanh cong nhat la nhung nguoi nghieng ve phia gia dinh, ban be, va coi trong cac moi quan he xa hoi.
So what about you? Let’s say you’re 25, or you’re 40, or you’re 60. What might leaning in to relationships even look like?
Con ban thi sao? Cho du ban dang o do tuoi 25, 40, hay 60, nghieng hon ve cac moi quan he gia dinh va xa hoi doi voi ban la the nao?
Well, the possibilities are practically endless. It might be something as simple as replacing screen time with people time or livening up a stale relationship by doing something new together, long walks or date nights, or reaching out to that family member who you haven’t spoken to in years, because those all-too-common family feuds take a terrible toll on the people who hold the grudges.
Thuc hanh chan ly nay la muon hinh muon ve. Doi voi mot so, co the chi don gian la bot di thoi gian nhin vao man hinh iPhone de nhin vao mat cua nhung nguoi minh yeu thuong va danh thoi gian cho nhau nhieu hon. Doi voi mot so nguoi co the se la goi dien hoi tham den nhung ba con ho hang thuong xuyen hon. Doi voi mot so nguoi co the la lam hoa voi nhung thanh vien trong gia dinh ma truoc den gio dang co su xich mich, truc trac. Cac con so goi y rang nhung ‘khuc mac’, ‘truc trac’ trong noi tam minh neu khong duoc hoa giai se la mot ganh nang keo chung ta ‘tut doc’ ve the chat va tinh than rat nhanh.
I’d like to close with a quote from Mark Twain. More than a century ago, he was looking back on his life, and he wrote this: “There isn’t time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.”
Toi nhan day xin duoc nhac lai mot cau cua dai van hao Mark Twain. Ong da nhin lai cuoc doi cua minh va da tung thot len rang ” Cuoc doi qua ngan ngui cho nhung ke muon hiem khich va xung dot. Cuoc doi chi danh thoi gian cho nhung ke biet thuong yeu”
The good life is built with good relationships.
Cac moi quan he tot tu gia dinh va xa hoi la nen tang cua mot cuoc song vien man va hanh phuc.
Cam on cac ban.